


Protection

by TheGreatGame



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (1963)
Genre: Jamie getting flustered, Just friends who mean well, M/M, Mentions sex and private parts, and ridiculousness, but no sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-29
Updated: 2016-07-29
Packaged: 2018-07-27 09:59:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7613704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGreatGame/pseuds/TheGreatGame
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zoe finds out that her friends are having unprotected sex and tries to educate Jamie. Jamie is uncomfortable.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Protection

Zoe entered the kitchen and turned on the lights. A pained groan made her jump, but she calmed down once she saw who it was.

“Jamie, what are you doing here in the dark?”

“Getting a drink,” he said, shielding his eyes with his hand. He had been relying only on the light from the fridge before Zoe had turned the lights on. “And what are you doing here?”

“Getting a drink,” she answered.

Jamie shrugged and continued to drink orange juice straight out of the carton.

Zoe shuddered as she got out a pitcher of water. “You do know we all have to drink from that?”

Jamie downed the last few gulps and sighed. “No, you don’t. I was finishing it. You don’t think I’m so uncivilized, do you?” He burped softly behind his hand and continued looking as unabashed as ever.

Zoe rolled her eyes and poured her water. She examined Jamie and finally noticed his mussed-up hair, relaxed body language, and the red marks that covered his neck like jewelry.

“Had a good time?” she muttered, not really wanting the question to be answered.

“The best.” Jamie grinned, reliving a bit of it in his memory. Zoe thought the smile itself was obscene.

“As long as you keep it in your room and you use protection,” she said under her breath, and headed towards the exit.

Jamie nodded and tossed the orange juice carton in the trash. Then, he frowned.

“Protection?” he asked.

“Yes,” said Zoe. She paused in the doorway and sipped her water. “Protection. You know, condoms.”

“Oh,” said Jamie, nodding as he understood. “Actually, we’re doing fine without them.”

Zoe looked puzzled, but a panicked sort of puzzled. She strode into the kitchen again and stood before Jamie, her eyes wide.

“You two haven’t been using condoms?” she asked, her voice getting high pitched the way it always did when she thought Jamie was being a bit thick.

“No. As I said, we’re perfectly fine without them, thank you very much.”

Zoe groaned and slammed her glass onto a nearby table.

“Jamie, how do you not know of their importance? They were invented and in use by your time! Although, they weren't popular considering the materials they used in those years.” She gasped softly in sudden realization. “And they weren’t used by many religious people because they reduced the likelihood of pregnancy, which was thought immoral. And you grew up around religious people, didn’t you?”

“Oh, aye. Well, we-”

“Quiet. I need to have a talk with you.”

Before Jamie could get another word in edgewise, Zoe shoved him into a chair and sat down beside him. She put an arm on his shoulder and looked into his eyes.

“Jamie, before you came on board the TARDIS, did you have sexual relations with anybody?”

“ _What?!_ ” Jamie looked like he couldn’t believe the words coming out of Zoe’s mouth.

“Sex, Jamie, the activity you just performed not fifteen minutes ago. Do try to keep up. And consider any kind of sexual activity you might have done. Oral sex, anal, vaginal-”

“Zoe!” Now Jamie was really starting to squirm.

“Please, answer me. The faster we do this, the faster it will be over with.”

“I don’t need any sort of talk!” He tried to shove her hand off, but found that Zoe was much stronger than she looked.

“I’m doing this for your own good and for the Doctor’s good!”

“Are you?” Jamie took a deep breath and tried to be reasonable. “Look. What was it you said condoms do? Stop pregnancy? Well, there’s no chance of that happening. The Doctor and I are both men. Talk over.”

Jamie stood up, but was immediately pulled back down.

“Talk not over,” said Zoe. “Jamie, condoms don’t only prevent pregnancy, remember? They also prevent the spreading of sexually transmitted diseases!”

“Eh?”

“Syphilis, AIDS, chlamydia, gonorrhea!”

“Oh, aye.” Jamie nodded, then frowned. “Well, I’m pretty sure I’ve not got any of those.”

“Are you sure? Have you been tested?”

“Well, no, but-”

“Then you should use a condom until you do. Until then, have you ever felt a burning sensation during urination or-”

“Okay, that’s it.” Jamie finally managed to take Zoe’s hand off of him and stood up. “Look, I’ve no’ got syphilis or any of those other illnesses you said. And even if I did, I feel like I’d rather suffer from them than listen to you talk about this any more.”

“Jamie, don’t joke about that! You could die from an STD.”

“I could?” he asked, his voice a little softer.

“Yes! And sometimes, people could have one of those diseases and not even know about it! Either you or the Doctor could have picked one up and given it to each other.”

“We could have?” He bit his nail and tried not to look as worried as he actually felt.

“Yes.” Zoe, finally feeling that she had Jamie scared and listening, calmly stepped towards him. She even raised her hands in the well-known gesture of nonviolence. “So, please, let me try to help you. Condoms aren’t a hassle to deal with at all. From when I am, they’re only small sheaths, most often made of latex, that fit over your penis.”

It was as if Jamie had been poked with an electric cattle prod. He roared a loud, anguished cry and covered his ears with his palms as if he wanted to keep his brain from leaking out.

“Oh god!” he screamed.

“What in the world are you doing?” said Zoe.

“Don’t say that word!”

“What word?” Zoe always considered herself to be more mature than Jamie, but she grinned when she figured it out. “Penis?”

Jamie cried again and said something akin to a prayer in Scots Gaelic.

“Jamie, you are being utterly ridiculous!”

“A nice girl like you shouldn’t say that word.”

“Why?”

“Because it makes me feel disgusted.”

“I’ll say it as much as I want to because I’m trying to help you, so let me attempt to protect your penis!”

Jamie groaned and starting running down the hallway, with Zoe in tow. She might or might nor have been yelling “penis” over and over as she ran after him.

Finally, Jamie reached his bedroom door. Before he could open it himself, it tentatively opened a crack. The Doctor’s face appeared, framed by his messy mop of black hair, which was even more messy than usual. He hid most of his body behind the door; the bit of chest that Jamie and Zoe could see showed that he wasn’t wearing a shirt.

“Jamie!” the Doctor said, smiling. “There you are! What was taking so… oh, hallo, Zoe.”

“Doctor, help, she’s talking about sex-”

“Doctor, how could you have sex with him without condoms-”

“She’s saying words I don’t want her to say and that I might be diseased-”

“You didn’t even get him tested-”

“Do I have an SDD?”

“The squeamish little-”

The Doctor held up a hand to silence his companions.

“Zoe, would you care to explain what’s going on here?”

Zoe sighed, relieved to finally be able to get this sorted once and for all. She told the Doctor what had happened in the kitchen, with Jamie giving additional commentary. When it was over, the Doctor was trying, and failing, not to laugh.

“Oh my,” the Doctor giggled. “Well, Zoe, I’m glad that you wanted to help, but this is really unnecessary. Even if Jamie or I had a venereal disease, we wouldn’t be able to transmit it to each other. Most human diseases, and no human venereal disease, are transmittable to my people, and vice versa. We don’t even need the protection.”

“If?” Jamie said hopefully. “You mean I’m-”

“Perfectly healthy? Yes. The TARDIS performs a virus eliminating scan on everybody who travels with me, and will do so always.” He thought for a moment. “Or until the scanning equipment breaks.”

“Definitely the latter,” Zoe scoffed.

“I heard that,” said the Doctor. “Now, Jamie, come inside, there’s a good lad. Zoe, you should head to bed.”

“Finally,” Jamie groaned. He turned to Zoe and lightly booped her nose. “And let that be a lesson to you!”

“A lesson? To me?”

Jamie nodded, then shouted at the top of his lungs,

“ _Stay out of my sex life!_ ”

And with that, he slammed the door behind him and left Zoe alone in the hallway.


End file.
